Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I Know There's Something Wrong With Me

I had drinks and dinner with Vin Diesel last night. I did that thing I've always wanted to do of showing up on a date wearing whatever, instead of dolling myself up. You know, beauty coming from within bollocks. Mind I was still tipsy from lunch so cargos, a tank and old flip flops was the best I could summon up.

He's hot with Popeye arms, he's 36, he is fairly easy to talk to, is French Peruvian - as R said, "don't we love the mixed races" - yes, I do. He loves Gainsbourg. He seems to be into me. He kisses pretty good too.

And still, I feel nothing. I come home and stand in the shower wandering what the fuck is wrong with me. Why can't I feel anything? Just one butterfly? A moth, even? I feel neutered. R says it's because we're not meeting the right men, that we would get excited if even one was a stand-out. Probably. And nothing is as simple as sex anymore - they want something more, there's always a drama, I can't wait to get away from them.

And for the first time in what feels like forever, I miss being with someone. I miss the simple things. "And what did you end up doing on Sunday?" "Not much, S and I had breakfast and a walk around Balmain". It gave me a pang for that simple intimacy with someone else, the ease of walking, laughing, listening. I am so happy for S, it makes me smile just thinking of him and his partner S, together. I wake up in the morning and these feelings are gone - I really should write this shit at the time, now in the light of day it feels so phoney and full of it - it really doesn't trouble me, if it happens it happens, bof.


Blogger TessaJ said...

It does feel so corny to say, but you'll feel it when it's right and you're ready and he's ready.

2:12 PM  
Blogger Mademoiselle said...

en tous cas, joli post.

2:13 PM  
Blogger Nick said...

Yep, I know exactly how you're feeling - absence of butterflies is making me wonder whether I should just keep her as a friend. *sigh*

5:59 AM  
Blogger AlphaChick said...

There is nothing wrong with you! The butterflies are a must. If they are not around, then is it really worth it?

I hear you, about missing sharing life with someone

7:54 AM  

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