Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

It's funny being back.

I've already had my usual after-work drink with N, a mani/pedi, I've driven to and from work laughing at the radio, I've done the shopping and cooked, I'm starting to catch up on blogs, I've discussed weekend plans. I've even browsed homeware sites.

But I haven't beeped at anyone in the traffic, in fact I'm quite serene, having gone through much much worse in places like Sicily and Tokyo. I'm smiling at people. I'm wearing hardly any make-up, not straightening my hair. I want to cook instead of getting take away - maybe a tomato salad with some cheese - and then I remember our tomatoes taste like shit.

I do a stupid amount of introspective thinking when I travel. I remember writing three years ago that it was doing my head in, that I was craving a magazine or silly chick lit book to escape from my thoughts. I think about what kind of person I am, my past, my mistakes, my relationships with people. I think about relationships, my own, others'. I philosophise and analyse until it's maddening. (I wonder if maybe I should have been a psychiatrist, then immediately think back to Before Sunset - Celine: "well, this friend of mine, she's a shrink, and..." Jessie: "yeah? How's she doing?" Celine: "she's a mess"). I'm usually left with very lucid thoughts and ideas, that I know I can't have here as day-to-day routine and the same environment won't allow it. This time I did a lot less writing though, which is sad. My journals used to be filled with poetry and pensiveness and now it's only the latter and it's all in my head. I must admit the numbess I've been feeling for so long continued at times. But again, such are my contradictions, optimism entered my world for the first time since the numbness started. I felt optimistic about myself, about meeting men, about the idea of possibilities.

So, that's it for introspection. For now. Adieu! Changes I want to make in my life are pretty standard: go out less, save more, not settle for rubbish. And as brilliant TJ replied to me today, even if the changes we go through after travel feel temporary, we probably internalize a lot more lessons that we aren't even aware of. Very true.


Blogger jocelyn said...

Hi Julia.

Welcome back. It's good to be able to do all that thinking and introspection, and have some distance to be able to reflect. And it sounds like you had a really awesome holiday, and have come back really refreshed. (Plus you did some good shopping!)


6:30 PM  

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