Friday, April 07, 2006

Queen Of Contradiction

I'm the Queen of Contradiction.

Everything about me is about complete contrasts.

Every night this week, I've been getting out of the shower and feeling deeply sad. I've even taken to having a cigarette on the balcony before stepping in the shower to cushion the sadness I'll feel 15 minutes later. I miss the idea of walking out and seeing a man on the lounge watching TV, or in bed reading, looking up as I walk in (another illusion; relationships are so nonchalant I don't remember anyone looking up as I walk in to the room). Yet as soon as that image settles in my mind, I am so bored with that idea that I know that's not what I want. That I love living by myself and couldn't have it any other way. Even the idea of sharing the bed more than once a week makes me antsy.

I am wrapped in contradictions like a scratchy mohair blanket - comforting and irritating at the same time.


Blogger Miss V said...

This post really hits home with me Julia. I'm so into being with a Man but I don't want the day-to-day life of it. I just want the romance (illusion), the sex and Sunday brunch together with the NY Times. Oh and movies, popcorn & Kissing in the rain. Most of the time though I'm much better by myself.

4:03 AM  

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