Sunday, March 26, 2006

Mais C'est Comme Ca

He's the man I love. The man that does my head in. The man whose car gives me a small thrill when I see it in the work carpark because I know he's inside. The man that fell short on so much that I wanted. Today we said what we always knew, that we aren't right for each other, we can't go on. This pseudo relationship/friendship/casual sex thing we had going on for six months...six months...can't go on, and this break up feels as fresh and horrible as the first time round. Imagining him out of my life cripples me with loneliness. We spoke last night like two real people, instead of the antagonising bullshit we overwhelmed ourselves with for so long, and it was nice, so nice. And we said let's not be sad and I couldn't lie in the bed next to him and feel his skin that I love so much, skin that I trace with my fingers, he calls it drawing, something that I have tried with others who don't even notice. And in the morning we both woke and lied together and were so sad, and then he left, and I cried an ocean. And then smoked the day away, to the soundtrack of Paole Conte's Sparring Partner, James' Senorita, Histoire de Melody Nelson and Arabesque, over and over again.


Blogger iggy said...

I hope that you'll be ok in the end Julia.
(I won't say any more beacuse I am hopeless at reassuring people and it always sounds wrong).


10:51 PM  
Blogger chimera said...

how sad. sorry you're hurting Julia.

12:48 AM  
Blogger la chipie said...

i'm sorry ,I hope you'll be ok

4:50 AM  
Blogger Deep Kick Girl said...

Since this conversation seems impossible face to face I just want to say I love, you are strong and wonderful and better than all this shit and sadness. Words can't help right now but time will help. "As the Butthole Surfers said: "It's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do..." " It's all ahead of you, beautiful baby sister. I'm always here... never forget that.

6:49 PM  
Blogger KGB Files said...

Oh boy. I've been through this before. You continue a "relationship" in limbo, including the physical part when you know it isn't meant to be.

When it happened to me, I think a small part of me wanted to wish that it would work out between us. It took me a year to figure out that it wouldn't. I loved him, he loved me, it just wasn't meant to be. I cried like a baby when I finally said that I couldn't go on like that anymore and made the final break. It took me several months to get over it and in some ways I'm still not.

Open a lovely bottle of wine, toast what you had once, and look to the future as best you can. Hang in there!

9:13 PM  

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