Monday, February 13, 2006

Over It

Natalie and I go out Saturday night. We dress gorgeously, we're in a great mood, the night is ours to drink and dance. But there's nada coming from the opposite sex. No flirting, no drinks, no witty repertee tennis. Nothing at all, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling invisible. I'm sick of hearing excuses that men are intimidated by me/us, that they don't bother approaching because there's no way we look like we wouldn't have boyfriends. Don't men realise life is short? Nothing stopped them before. I'm not looking for Someone Special, I'm not projecting anything, I'm neutral. I'm just wanting to have fun and feel like I'm living the life of a 27-year-old.

(Written at 1.30am Sunday morning on my steps):
I want to get dressed in preparation for the night knowing someone will be undressing me later in the night. I don't want to be making cliched statements about my ship having sailed on at 27, having made them at 26. I'm the invisible femme fatale. At 16-17 I was living the life I should be living now - picking up cute guys, invites, dinners, drinks, kisses on the neck. I used to be able to laser beam any man over and enjoy repertee of some kind, plus a free drink, plus a kiss, plus a phone number, plus that look. That look that gives you butterflies and makes you feel powerful. This was when I was 16 and now I am 27 and I feel like I'm in limbo. If not now, when?


Blogger TessaJ said...

Oh, I've been in that state of limbo for the past year and a half (really off and on for the past few years). I don't know why it was once so easy, all throughout my 20s, really; and now it just seems like work with no paycheck.

8:23 AM  
Blogger Julia said...

I've had some feedback from friends saying they feel the same. Hmm...

1:45 PM  
Blogger TessaJ said...

I wonder, though, if unconsciously there's something in us that wasn't in us as teenagers that makes us unapproachable (and perhaps something in men that makes them not risk approaching). Not necessarily cynicism (though sometimes I know it's my cynicism that keeps me alone); I think it's far more complex than that. Maybe it's more of a feeling that I'm simply exhausted of doing this again, and again, and again. I've seen it all; do I really want to have to see it again?

11:21 AM  

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